Nostradamus - The Juggalo Seer
Nostradamus was a French apothecary, seer, and juggalo. His predictions are still widely circulated to this day, with many people believing he correctly predicted a variety of world events, both past and future. His best known book, The Prophecies, has remained in circulation almost continuously since his lifetime. Recently however, new writing have been uncovered which have revealed that not only was Nostradamus a juggalo, but his communion with the Dark Carnival was the source of his prophetic power. Using this new knowledge we can interpret his prophecies with heretofore unheard of accuracy.
For instance, in the following quatrains he not only predicts Eminem’s rise to fame and feud with ICP, but espouses on the meaning of being a juggalo.
"There will soon be talk of a treacherous man, who raps a short time,
quickly raised from low to high estate.
He will suddenly turn disloyal and volatile.
This man will rap in Detroit.
What is a juggalo? A dead body.
Well, he ain’t really dead,
But he ain’t like anyone you’ve ever met before,
He’ll eat Monopoly and shit out Connect Four.”
The Battle of the Juggalo Bridge by Giulio Romano
A pivotal event in the life of Roman Emperor, and Juggalo, Constantine The Great. Not only did Constantine’s victory pave the way for his ascension to ruler of the Roman Empire, it also marked the beginning of his conversion to a juggalo. According to some accounts, on the eve of the battle Constantine and his men saw a miraculous vision. They were transported to a land of darkness and tents where the Mirthful Prophets appeared to them, telling them to daub the paint of the juggalo onto their faces and victory would be assured. In this depiction of the battle we can see not only Constantine himself in the garb of the juggalo, but two emissaries from the Dark Carnival in the sky above as well.
"In this paint shalt thou conquer"
-Message from The Mirthful Prophets to Constantine
Sir Isaac Newton was a mathematician, physicist, astronomer, philosopher, theologian, alchemist, and juggalo. A giant of the scientific community he laid the groundwork for calculus, classical mechanics, and much more. It is said that he came to his theory of gravity while watching a bottle of rare Sour Apple flavored Faygo fall from the shelf. He was known to hide juggalo related information in much of his work. For instance, the equation F=m*a not only describes force, but the amount of facepaint one should wear. One of the earliest juggalos to reject Trinitarianism, he believed that Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope were simply Mirthful Prophets in service to the Dark Carnival and not divine themselves.
"To explain all nature is too difficult a task for any one man or even for any one age.”
-Sir Isaac Newton
"Fucking magnets, how do they work?"
Still Life With Portrait of Louis XIV bu Jean Garnier
King Louis XIV of France, commonly rendered “The Sun King” or later, “The Juggalo King.” Taking the throne at the age of four, he ruled for 72 years throughout which he greatly strengthened the monarchy. His belief in the divine right to rule eventually led him to the Dark Carnival and marked the beginning of the reign of The Juggalo King. He renovated his opulent palace of Versailles, adding 12 Faygo fountains, A solid gold Mic vs Mic Rap Battle stage, and a sprawling carnival to the grounds. Unsurprisingly, The Juggalo King was known as “Protector of the Arts” for his wide range of artistic patronage. This is reflected in the above painting by surrounding his portrait with fine art accessories.He was also apparently a huge fan of Neden, as he fathered numerous illegitimate children.
"I depart, but the Posse shall always remain"
-Deathbed quote, Louis XIV
The Death of Juggalo Socrates by Jacques-Louis David.
A fairly enigmatic figure, Socrates was a central figure of Classic Greek thought and Philosophy. His devotion to the Insane Clown Posse has remained relatively unknown until recently. This new information reveals that Socrates was devoted not just to his studies of Epistemology and Ethics, but to laying down wicked tracks as well. Mirroring the modern persecution ICP faces, Socrates was condemned to death for corrupting the minds of the youth and died after drinking poisoned Faygo.
“I would rather die having rapped in my manner, than rap in your manner and live … The difficulty, my ninjas, is not in avoiding the dark carnival, but in avoiding unrighteousness; for that runs deeper than death.”
Portrait of Niccolò Machiavelli by Santi di Tito
A great philosopher and historian of the Italian Renaissance. His most famous work, The Prince, is still widely read today and marks the beginning of his devotion to the Mirthful Prophets. In his works he describes Moses, Romulus, Cyrus the Great, Theseus, Violent J, and Shaggy 2 Dope as “greatest of new princes.” Although an important figure in The Republic of Florence, he lost most of his power when the anti-juggalo Medici came to power.
“A juggalo ought to have no other aim or thought, nor select anything else for his study, than ICP and their rules and discipline; for this is the sole art that belongs to him who seeks the Dark Carnival, and it is of such force that it not only upholds those who are born juggalos, but it often enables men to rise from a private station to that rank.”
Immanuel Kant: German Philosopher specializing in Epistemology, Ethics, Logic, and the Theology of the Dark Carnival. His most famous work The Critique of Pure Reason laid the basis of Kantian thought. In later years Kant sought to rectify his philosophy with that of The Mirthful Prophets. Results were often mixed, but where he succeeded he was able to reveal great flashes of insight.
"The history of juggalos can be seen, in the large, as the realization of The Dark Carnival’s secret plan to bring forth a perfectly constituted posse as the only condition in which the capacities of juggalos can be fully developed, and also bring forth that external relation among posses which is perfectly adequate to this end."
The Death of Juggalo Wolfe by Benjamin West (1770)
The famous painting depicting the death of the British General Wolfe following the Battle of Quebec. The gathering of homies about the dying figure suggests a Christ-like interpretation, wherein the general’s death leads to their victory. Wolfe himself casts his eyes skyward, no doubt searching for signs of the Dark Carnival and the Mirthful Prophets he has come to follow. A messenger can be seen in the background and to the left of the main grouping carrying a bottle of Faygo, so that the last rites can be administered.
George Washington. Known lately as Juggalorge Washington. Not the only founding father to believe in the Dark Carnival, but his attenuation to the Wicked Clowns was widely regarded as the strongest. He served as first President of the United States of America after the Revolutionary War, but continued in the ways of the Juggalo. A watershed moment of that era was the Faygo Rebellion which required the signing of the Militia Act of 1792 to put down.
"Washington wasn’t born a Juggalo. Only Shaggy and J made him so."
- William Bennet, in Our Sacred Honor (1997)